Field Guide to Human Subspecies
Illustrated Taxonomy from the Human Sanctuary Project
Coordinator's Note: During my observation period, I have identified several distinct behavioral subspecies within the Homo sapiens population. These classifications are based on response patterns to the "coloured box ritual" they call "voting."
Jenkins insists these are not real taxonomic categories. Jenkins is wrong about many things.
— Applebee, Senior Enclosure Coordinator
Primary Subspecies
Homo minorus suffragium
The "Non-Voting Youth." Eligible but disengaged. Often found muttering "what's the point."
Common
Homo apalitticus adultus
The "Apolitical Adult." Has strong opinions about everything except governance.
Widespread
Homo outrageus maximus
The "Perpetually Outraged." Sustained by anger. Cannot be pleased.
Loud
Homo bureaucratius proceduralis
The "Process Person." Believes in forms. Fears change. Lives for compliance.
Endemic
Homo swingus unicornis
The "Swing Voter." Mythical creature that apparently decides everything.
Rare?
Homo signalus virtuus
The "Virtue Signaler." Public displays of morality. Private behavior varies.
Social Media
Homo silentium observer
The "Silent Observer." Sees everything. Says nothing. Possibly the wisest.
UnderestimatedSupplementary Materials
The Cubs
Young humans. Not yet sorted into boxes. Still have hope.
Parliament Observation
Where they go to yell at each other professionally.
Australia's Secret Panics
Fascinating study of collective anxiety patterns.
Thrones Above Monarchy
Power structures. More confusing than expected.
Spot the Difference
An exercise in distillation. Results inconclusive.
Treasure Map Markings
They leave these everywhere. Purpose unclear.